On Love and Sacrifice: Are Your Ideals and Boundaries a Barrier or Catalyst for Love?
The connection between love and sacrifice, and how to love someone through challenge or change. Plus, a step-by-step guide for knowing when to endure in a relationship, when to press pause, and when to lovingly depart.
It’s easy to say we love someone. But the words ‘I love you’ become demonstrable only through the acts of constancy and sacrifice – the faithful effort and willingness to extend ourselves for the growth of another or the growth of a relationship, especially in the face of difficult challenges or changes.
Say we’re in a relationship with someone who is going through a difficult period; they are in the midst of major life changes. Perhaps they are dealing with a loss, struggling with their identity, fighting an addiction, or have suddenly become ill.
If we say we love that person but are quick to walk out on them when things go ‘wrong’ – when something arises that wasn’t in ‘the plan’ we had for our relationship, amid a disagreement, or when that person isn’t measuring up to how we believe they should be – the words ‘I love you’ become nullified. Suddenly, the focus is not on faithfully loving that person or making sacrifices in the name of relationship; the focus is on ourselves.
The Rule and Great Test of Love
Love requires sacrifice (the rule). One of the great tests of love is what we are willing to sacrifice in the name of love. Sacrifice begins at the start of any relationship, whether that be with another person, a job, or ourselves. As we continue down the path of a relationship and are faced with the inevitable trials and tribulations of life, sacrifices are asked of us again and again. Throughout our journey, the rule and great test of love is to not abandon – to not give up when confronted with hardship; when things go ‘wrong’. However, like with any rule, there are a few exceptions.
Examining Ideals and Boundaries
It is a different story if, through careful thought and consideration, we have concluded that a relationship is not congruent with our deepest values, and is inhibiting us from becoming our highest self. In this case, going our separate way – to pursue a path that is aligned with our highest self and is not possible by staying in the relationship – might be necessary. It is also a different story if a relationship is harmful or abusive. In this case, boundaries set with thoughtfulness and care should be applied. But pop-psychology has much of western society overly aroused by the concept of boundaries right now, creating a trend that can result in shortsightedness and impulsiveness around boundary setting.
Boundaries have serious implications and, as such, should not be made rashly. If a boundary is necessary, it should be set with careful consideration, foresight, and love; with the understanding that jumping the gun on boundaries (setting them quickly, too harshly, or unnecessarily) can disable us from resolving conflict and ultimately cause a breakdown of relationship. This can include a breakdown of marriage, a breakdown of family, a breakdown of friendship, and, ultimately, a breakdown of community – the very things that make life meaningful. As late Paul Kalanithi, neurosurgeon and author of When Breath Becomes Air eloquently put it: ‘relationality undergirds meaning’.
Great Love Endures
When we truly love and care for someone, it is our eternal responsibility to endure during times of hardship – to draw from the deep well of our capacity to love and care for that person, even when things are not ‘perfect’; even when they are not perfect. It is our job to tenaciously demonstrate – through acts of constancy and sacrifice – that our love will not waver, even in the face of challenge, discomfort, or change. It is our job to courageously support those we love through the inevitable trials and tribulations of life, rather than abandon, shame, blame, or show contempt – the very things that diminish the human spirit and a person’s capacity to grow and evolve.
What follows is a step-by-step guide to approaching relationship challenges and conflicts – understanding when to endure in a relationship, when to press pause, and when to lovingly depart. And, should you choose to remain, a guide for how to love and care for someone and your relationship with them through a challenge or change.
A Guide to Approaching Relationship Challenges and Conflicts
When confronted with a relationship challenge or conflict that causes you to feel angry, upset, or afraid, and you feel the impulse to abandon or escape, ask yourself these three questions:
Is this relationship harming me?
Do I really love this person?
Can enduring in this relationship serve the highest good? In other words, can this relationship help me and the other person grow into our highest selves?
If you answered ‘yes’ to the first question, planning a way to safely and lovingly depart the relationship is imperative. Depending on the severity of harm, seeking help from a professional may be necessary. If you answered ‘no, yes, yes’, then proceed with the following questions:
How Positive Change Occurs: Two Vital Components
Component 1
If we want to change, a relationship to change, or someone we are in a relationship with to change, the first step is commitment to truth – the willingness to honestly look at ourselves, and to change that which is not serving us or the relationship.
The next step is a commitment to loving action. This means working towards change through positive encouragement and loving support, rather than through blaming, shaming, or showing contempt. It is imperative we bear in mind that what inspires positive change and growth is the former, and that the latter stifles growth as it neglects our responsibility (blaming), and creates feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and self-worth in the other person (shaming and showing contempt). Information on the impacts of shame here and the impacts of contempt here.
Component 2
When we ask someone to change, we are asking them to grow. If we are going to ask someone to grow, we must be willing to do three things:
Examine and acknowledge the ways in which we, too, must change and grow.
Know that if we are going to ask someone to change and hold them accountable, that means taking responsibility for holding that person (loving them) through change.
Create an environment where that person feels comfortable and safe to be all that they are – to be loved and accepted, despite their imperfections. Seeing that person through the eyes of God, rather than through the eyes of our limited human perspective and judgments, can open our hearts and the hearts of others, making all the difference towards positive, meaningful change.
‘When one person can love another through the unitive mystery that is God, and feel the presence of divine love shining through that person, it is impossible not to treat that person with kindness, goodwill, respect and absolute pleasure, and impossible not to feel the deepest possible gratitude that such a person is in your life. I have experienced that, in the presence of such love – that person loving you and God loving you through that person – petty complaints, irritations, comparisons and restlessness dissolve into meaninglessness. What follows, instead, is the sweet eternal, open-hearted rose of love that neither drops its petals, loses its scent, nor ever dies.’
– Stephanie Dowrick, Forgiveness & Other Acts of Love
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