Why We Need Strong Men and Fathers: 17 Attributes of Strong Men that Make the Case
Why we all need strong men and fathers in our life. Plus, 40% off coaching sessions for fathers through June. (Book for yourself or for a father you respect, admire, and love.)
In last month’s newsletter, in honor of Mother’s Day, I talked about the significance of a mother’s love. This month, for Father’s Day, I’m doing the same, except I’m also sharing from a more personal account – an account of not only my experiences, but also my errors – because I know some of you will relate. And for those of you who don’t, perhaps the sharing of my mistakes can spare you or someone you love from making the same ones.
Up until recently, I spent much of my existence pedestalizing a man who was ‘supposed to’ play a significant role in my life. Supposed to is in quotations because of the emphasis we tend to put on family to fulfill our needs, care for us, know us, and love us unconditionally. And while I’m not suggesting we don’t look to family for these things (that’s the ideal), I am acknowledging that some of us are born into familial environments and/or circumstances that are less than ideal.
The man I spent most of my life pedestalizing was my biological father, which is paradoxical, because he’s never been in the picture. Not physically, at least, nor in a truly loving way. But we have a tendency to do this – to pedestalize the parent [person] who left or died too early, and sometimes even the parent [person] who neglected or abused us. What’s perhaps more paradoxical is that as we pedestalize the parent [person] who caused us significant pain, we can sometimes have a tendency to punish the parent [person] who stayed. (Brackets indicate this sentiment’s application to other relationships, not just parental ones.)
It’s natural to long for the presence and attention of those we are told are ‘meant to’ know and love us. Add on the sharing of DNA, and it can feel like a sealed deal. It’s not, though. There’s a way out of the suffering if we are willing to grow up and face reality; if we are willing to see and accept the truth about ourselves and others. This process of growing up, accepting reality for what it is, and taking responsibility can help us move past the pedestalizing and yearning that keeps us trapped in lackluster ways of being and doing; that keeps us locked in conflict with ourselves and others; that keeps us in a state of longing for the impossible, and hurts those who are doing nothing more than their very best to love us.
It took me nearly thirty-five years to do this – to come to an emotionally mature enough place where I could see and accept the truth about myself and others, including the truth about my relationship with (or lack thereof) my biological father, and how that deficit has impacted my life. Finally, I understand what it means to take responsibility for what is within my control – my thoughts, feelings, choices, and actions – and how to let go of what is outside of my control. Incidentally, this process of growing up is ongoing.
It also took me nearly thirty-five years to learn and accept that just because someone is our blood doesn’t mean they are our family. Not in the true sense of family, that is. This may sound harsh, but it’s not meant to be. It simply means that our family is also the people we choose, and the people who choose us. They are the ones who take the time to learn us, know us and love us for who we are, without condition. They are the people who stay by our side not just when it’s easy and convenient or when we’re easy and convenient, but when times are challenging and when we might be a little challenging, too.
It was only a few of years ago that I started looking at my relationship to my biological father in a new way; that I realized how my pedestalizing of what was a predominantly painful and merely nonexistent relationship was a barrier to my happiness and the happiness of other familial relationships – family that has been in the picture; that has taken the time to learn me, know me, and love me unconditionally; that has stayed by my side through thick and thin.
This realization came from a question I began contemplating a few years ago. It was a hard question, but it needed to be asked and answered honestly if I wanted out of my suffering. The question was: ‘Why would I long for or admire someone who abandoned me not once, but twice; who didn’t show up for me or love me in the simple ways every child – every person – deserves to be shown up for and loved?’
It was interesting to observe that I had never really been angry with my father, resented him for not choosing me or for where he fell short as a parent. Even with my newfound, clear sight of his shortcomings and the pain they’ve caused, I empathized with his situation and had compassion for him. It didn’t feel helpful to be angry or resentful. It only felt helpful to forgive, because, through experience, I’ve found that it is only through forgiveness that freedom and healing lies. However, something did change in my attitude towards my biological father and fatherhood as a whole: I would no longer pedestalize a relationship with someone – or admire or yearn for someone – who exemplified the antithesis of what it means to be a strong man and father figure.
My stepfather – the man I now recognize as my true father – is the definition of a strong man, father and father figure. Despite the fact that he didn’t choose to bring me into this world, he has still chosen me and our family over and over again, without fail.
We all need strong men, fathers or father figures in our life. Because when a man stands in his full potential – when he develops his strength not just physically, but also spiritually, mentally, and emotionally – he is our most trusted leader, brave protector, and loving champion; he is our rock and our safe place to land.
What follows are seventeen attributes I’ve learned about strong men and fathers, both from my stepfather and countless other remarkable men I’ve been lucky enough to know throughout my life. As you read through these attributes, you will notice that they are, in effect, the qualities of a great leader. We all ought to work towards embodying them. However, men who embody these qualities are especially needed because of the masculine’s unique ability to create – especially for women and children – a profound feeling of safety, security, and protection.
As we gear up to celebrate Father’s Day this month, I’m feeling immensely grateful for all the strong men and fathers out there – for all that you do to protect, support, and uplift us. Your role is no easy feat. I honor your bravery, courage, and strength to love.
With love,
Samantha
17 Attributes of a Strong Man and Father
He is dependable. He is reliable, present, and attentive, even during challenging times.
He fosters trust. By showing up again and again, he demonstrates his love, commitment, and trustworthiness.
He is a rock and champion. He is an unwavering source of strength and courage, a voice of reason, and a safe place to land.
He protects and provides. He prioritizes his family and loved ones, working consistently and proactively to uplift and support them.
He is generous. He gives selflessly. He finds pleasure in the act of giving.
He leads from love (truth) rather than fear (ego). He leads by the principles of love. He instills love and courage rather than fear.
He is a humble leader. He is self-aware, open to feedback, and recognizes his limitations and mistakes. He is willing to learn from others and prioritizes the needs of the whole over his own ego. He does not need to pronounce his leadership. He is naturally followed, trusted, and respected for his humility and the way he leads.
He generates respect by giving respect. He treats everyone – regardless of rank, status, or differences – with kindness, fairness, dignity, and respect.
He has a strong moral character. He is virtuous and consistent in his words and actions.
He is dedicated to truth. He is honest, seeks truth first, and lives through the heart. He encourages honesty, truth, and living through the heart in others.
He puts his spiritual connection and development first. He recognizes that the success of his relationships is contingent upon his relationship with his creator and with himself.
He is committed to growth. He prioritizes his growth and the growth of his relationships. He stays true to himself and others. He embraces challenge, change, and has a positive attitude towards suffering.
He confronts his shadow side. He acknowledges and faces his fears. He takes responsibility for his dark parts. He works to better understand and integrate his dark parts to become a healthier, more authentic, whole person.
He communicates openly and consistently. He faces his and others’ fears. He knows that repressing our fears only makes them grow and creates barriers to love.
He navigates conflict in a healthy way. He remains calm, present, and grounded during conflict. He listens, is self-reflective, and seeks to understand.
He is patient, kind, and forgiving. He actively practices patience, kindness and forgiveness. He knows that these principles are the foundation of strong, healthy, loving relationships.
He is a model for courage and love. He recognizes that every action he takes signifies to others – especially his children – what it means to be a loving father, husband, family member, and friend. He consistently strives to be a model of courage and love for his children and the world around him.
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